The Single Dating Friend VS The Married Mom Friend: The Hate and The Shade

Is it better to be single? Is it better to be married? Is it better to be a young mother or an old mother?

On any given day I scroll down my timeline and see single women making stats that say, “I’m on vacation, I’m not worried about a bae,” “I’m so glad I don’t have kids,” “Flights over feelings.” This is normally followed by a post about wanting to be pregnant, being lonely, or being independent and having their own income.

What is it about us that we feel we must pretend to be happy? Even if we are happy, why do we feel we have to have to prove it to the world?

I see my married friends talking about how great their relationships are, and how they are so glad they aren’t single (sometimes these are the same people who were saying the former not long prior.) On some occasions women will actually go as far as to tell a single woman “Whew! I’m glad I’m not dating! (As if men don’t die or divorces don’t happen.) The married women go so far to show you that they would dread ever being lonely or in today’s dating scene, and they glorify their obedience and ability to stay in the house.

When you know these people personally you know the real. Of course, I have happy single friends AND happy married friends, but these are never the people you see on your timeline making themselves feel better by putting you down for where you are in life.  Happy pictures are just happy pictures, but the difference in being offensive or not is in the delivery.

We know the mother with the perfect family pics can be dealing with problems at home. We know that our single friend can be trying everything she can to find someone, but the dating pool seems shallow. People see through defense mechanisms (online or otherwise.) Its ok to be single or married. It’s ok to have a child older. It’s ok to be a young mother. It’s ok to be looking for love or struggling with love. Its ok to be you.

Now… do I think that a person should be quick to share their failures, post pictures of them crying from loneliness, or post about how they are unhappy in their marriages and/or wish they had more freedom? Or course I don’t (even though some people do that shit too.) What I DO wish is that we didn’t feel the need to overcompensate for what we feel are our shortcomings by instead lying about how content we are in our current situation, and as a result feeling the need to put another woman down.

I’m reminded of 2 Corinthians 10:12 which states “Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” And also, the Quran that teaches “Do not cloak (and confuse) the truth with falsehood. Do not suppress the truth knowingly.  (The Noble Quran, 2:42)

Somewhere in time some woman told another woman “It will come when you least expect it.” Well the truth is it may never come, and so many people feel like if they say that they aren’t looking for something or don’t want something, it will come faster. You can’t lie to yourself, and you can’t like to The Most High. 

Somewhere in time some woman told another woman if you get married then you will live happily ever after. That’s not how that works either. Sometimes things break. Sometimes people change. You may be tired and have less time than you used to have. You may have to make more sacrifices than you were prepared to make. 

I know my single women can be jealous of married women for a fact. We see it. That’s why your friend didn’t like your picture, because it’s hard for her to stomach your happiness. She has to tell herself that you can’t be THAT happy. The idea of someone else living “the dream” is often too much for women to bare (unless they are the ones living it.)

However, what I did not know is that married people are also jealous of single people at times! They will hook you up with awful people so you can be miserable with them and hopefully one day complain about your marriages together. They may wish they could spend the extra money on clothes and not formula. They want to take that trip too. They want to date. They wish they could get up and go at the drop of a dime, and these are all valid feelings!

The moral of my story is the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence, so love your grass. Water your grass. If your neighbor has better grass, you don’t have to lie about the quality of yours to feel adequate. Hopeful she will have enough intrinsic value to tell you how to get your grass just as nice as hers, and then you can grow cohesively. 

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